Mi Piel

My initial intent was to relay a story about one of my workdays that was particularly unusual, but I find myself being a little more introspective this morning. Partially due to the fact that in the pursuit of research, I dredged up some ghosts from where I'd crammed them in the floorboards. I can hear depression baying in the distance, and know that it'll be along shortly to nip at my heels, trying to herd me to a dark place to sleep, or into one of the bottles I clawed my way out of these few years past. I am more well equipped to answer its cries, however, and I will not submit. Although, always, after one of these moments, where I've chased it away, it leaves behind a lingering sadness, a scarring reminder of the past, and questions. Am I still broken? Am I still affected? I know that I always will be, to a certain degree, like anyone that's ever lived through a traumatic event. I think Henri can sense my inner turmoil, he lies curled into me on the floor, and occasionally will open his eyes and nuzzle my arm, as if to offer his own feline brand of comfort. I found myself in this position by seeking to offer support to a loved one who's going through a version of what I did. It doesn't seem to matter how much geographical distance I put between the Offender and myself, any mental foray into the past (no matter how brief it may be) sends me hurtling across the traverse. I know that I have to put myself there, to better understand what she's going through, to relive it myself, to knowingly push mental triggers that set the Hound on my scent again. And when it should arrive, to stand strong through the assault, to force myself to interact, to allow myself to grieve for things I've lost instead of losing myself. To come to terms with the fact that when the next decade passes, I may still be able to find the winding path back to where I was, and I will need to be strong enough to turn away. To ignore the Offender's vitriolic plight for attention, and the urge to fire back some venom of my own. To make myself forgive, again, although I can never forget.